Audi, the brand that charges you $2,500 for carbon-fiber mirror caps and calls it “heritage,” has finally answered the question nobody asked: “What if my $90,000 sedan could make me even later to work while simultaneously voiding the interior warranty?”
Behold their latest €329 masterpiece: an in-car espresso machine that slides into your cup holder like a tiny, overpriced suicide pact with physics. Yes, Audi looked at the morning commute (already a cocktail of rage, brake lights, and questionable life choices) and thought, “You know what this needs? Boiling water, pressurized steam, and finely ground beans sloshing around at knee level.”
It heats up in two minutes, which is exactly how long it takes to go from “I’m a refined European motorist” to “I am wearing 200-degree coffee and screaming in a language my passengers don’t recognize.” One emergency stop and your Quattro now smells like a hipster café exploded inside a tire fire. The crema isn’t on top of the shot anymore; it’s on your ceiling, your suit, and whatever’s left of your dignity.
Congratulations, Audi. You’ve invented the only accessory that makes the $1,200 glowing door-sill plates look practical. At least those don’t scald your genitals when someone cuts you off.