In a plot twist wilder than a soap opera, Stellantis—the automotive conglomerate that sounds like a rejected Star Wars villain—has declared sedans as the cornerstone of their grand comeback story in the USA. Yes, sedans. Those four-door relics your grandpa drove to bingo night. In a market obsessed with SUVs taller than your house and trucks that could tow the moon, Stellantis is betting on the automotive equivalent of a flip phone to save their bacon. We’re not saying it’s a bad idea, but we’re also not not saying it’s like trying to revive Blockbuster by selling VHS tapes.
Let’s paint the picture. It’s 2025, and the American road is a sea of crossovers and pickups so jacked up you need a ladder to get in. Meanwhile, Stellantis executives are reportedly huddling in a boardroom, whispering sweet nothings about the Dodge Charger’s “timeless elegance” and the Chrysler 300’s “bold sophistication.” They’re convinced sedans are poised for a renaissance, like vinyl records or skinny jeans. But here’s the kicker: the average American buyer would rather finance a third-row SUV for their goldfish than squeeze into a sedan’s backseat. Sedans are the broccoli of the car world—technically good for you, but nobody’s craving them.
Stellantis claims their sedans will be electrified, sleek, and packed with tech to woo younger buyers. Sure, and I’m going to trade my streaming subscription for a telegraph. The reality? Millennials and Gen Z are too busy naming their Tesla’s “Elon’s Revenge” to notice a rebadged Chrysler with a touchscreen. Plus, have you seen gas station parking lots lately? They’re obstacle courses for anything lower than a monster truck. Sedans don’t stand a chance unless they come with hovercraft mode.
So, what’s the likelihood Stellantis is right, and sedans will roar back to dominate the US market? We say it’s one in a million—like winning the lottery while being struck by lightning during a shark attack. But we’re curious: what do you think? Drop a percentage in the comments below. Is it 5%? 1%? Or are you with us, betting on a snowball’s chance in a microwave? Stellantis, we wish you luck, but we’re keeping our SUV keys close.